Monday, October 29, 2012

Breakdowns on the Farm

So there are always breakdowns on the farm...combine belts, flat tires, fences that go down, water tanks that suddenly start leaking, you name a calamity and the farm is home to it.  Well I had a breakdown on Friday....and this is how it went.....

Readers let me introduce to you Hamburger...he likes pina coladas, long walks at sunset, alfalfa, and moonlights as Houdini.

Hamburger, as seen in the picture above, was not in his appropriate location.  We really did have chickens and cows and cats running across the yard.  So Hamburger is pretty in so tame my car was inches away before he languidly looked over and realized he wasn't in the right place.  I run him towards the corral and head to the house.  No steer is worth getting shit on my super-cute White House Black Market red suede heels and dress slacks!   Take off the work attire and put on my farm-work attire and run him in.  And its really annoying because he knows the routine. 
I grab my little Lucky man and take him on his daily walk around the farm and come around the front---and what is this yard ornament?  Oh Hamburger!?!  WTF Houdini!  How did he even walk across the pasture, find his hole, jump out, and end up in the front yard within 10 minutes?  Ugh!

Here we go again,  running him back to the gate, open the gate, and somehow all the cows thought "its time for a walk"  oh helll nooo.  All you mofos get back in--that means you too Hamburger. 
So I walk around the pasture and sure enough there's this gaping hole where Hamburger was litterally walking through.  And of course J is cutting soybeans--so I'm here by myself.  Choices are: 
a) fix/stretch electric fence--doesn't sound tooo appealling and kind of freaks me out
b) try to fix the regular fence
c) kill Hamburger
So I try and yank the post back up, but its old, broken, and really heavy, but I think I have it somewhat ghetto-rigged.  I yell at Hamburger and pray for the best.  Head back to the house and call J and tell him what is going I am on the phone...I see Hamburger knock over my best efforts and cruise right on out.  Ughh!!!!
By this time I am pissed off.  I grab my sorting stick and go running/yelling after Hamburger.  Get him back in, try to get him in a corral--no go...and thats when it breakdown.  I just start crying in the field.  These cows keep getting out, I am phyically unable to fix the problem, and it will continue happening.  The hopelessness just sets in...I call J freaking out.  Thankfully he's on his way. 
So I do the only thing I could think of--I plop my happy ass down right in front of the hole in the middle of the field.  I hold up my sorting stick and dare Hamburger to cross my path.   
This farmwife business just doesn't pay enough...LOL!


  1. Oh, I remember those days of chasing animals and getting them back in. Some cows never got out and others never stayed in.