Monday, October 8, 2012

Barnyard Barbie's Guide to Dating a Farmer

So there always seems to be this romantic image in people's heads of farm couples who literally ride off on their horses into the sunset with the sounds of cows gently mooing and the wind whispering in the breeze.  LMAO.  That is for the movies is my guide to dating/being married to farmer  :-)

1-PRAY for rain!  If it rains or is raining its a double bonus.  One--crops do good in the rain, farmers smile when crops do good.  Two--if it's raining the chances of your farmer gallivanting with his mistress Jane Deere are greatly reduced.

2-Dinner at 6pm?  Please!  I'm happy when J and I get to eat together.  A farmer has the same schedule as the sun, so if you are one of those women that likes routine...a farmer is not for you.

3-Sh*t and mud.  Like a spotless dust free house?  Hmmm living in the country and marrying a farmer is not the best idea.  Sh*t, mud, hay, all follow a farmer around like Hansel and Gretel.

4-Scared of germs?  The life of a farm wife is not for you!  This follows #3...there is so much poop on a farm....chicken poop, cow poop, dog poop, bird poop, cat poop, horse poop...and no matter how hard you will get on your shoes, pants, hands, gloves, etc (I just try not to think about it).

5-Date nights?  What are date nights?  If you want a date with your farmer--you need to pull out your handy-dandy Farmer's Almanac and check the planting and harvesting dates for all crops and plan accordingly.  Getting a farmer to date during harvest or planting season is likened to "when hell freezes over."

6-It will only take 30 minutes.  If you hear a version of your farmer say afraid be very afraid.  Don't start cooking dinner, don't get the DVD player ready for a movie.  Pour yourself another glass of wine, because when you hear those "It will only take...." it will most likely take 1 1/2 hours.

7-If hell breaks loose--your farmer will be away.  In all the instances when things have gotten crazy (animals getting out, snakes trying to attack me, animals not getting along, etc, etc.) J was at work.   Its like country karma knows the husband is away and sicks its mighty bad voodoo on the wife at home.  Oh gee the wife is enjoying her day of relaxing on the couch reading a good book.....hehheeee its time for the cows to decide to test the fence.....

8-Team-Realize that it takes 2 teammates to make a farm run..and that you both have each others back.  Maybe that Hollywood image of horses in the distance is phony, but the walking out to the barn hand-in-hand during a snowstorm together to feed animals image is real. 

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