Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Things We Fear

So we all have something that scares us or that we fear, maybe its heights, clowns, online banking, blood and guts, whatever it is---we all have something that to us logically scares us--and to the rest of the world, it might look a little illogical.  Well mine, is doing my own taxes; and letting someone else do them.  Silly?  Let me explain.  I have done my own taxes since I started working when I was 15, and I'm, well doesn't really matter, but let's just say I've done my own taxes for over 1/2 of my life.  I don't even think anyone has ever seen my W-2s besides me.  So this year, the hubs asked if we wanted to do our taxes together and send them off to the accountant (inside I'm thinking...deep breath, deep breath, don't hyperventilate), someone else will see my W-2s?  I'll give them somebody I've never even met?  WHAT? Does that come with a chain of custody?   I am freaking out!  But after many tears and a couple of anti-anxiety pills, I say OK, and plop them into an envelope (and seal and tape it). 

So we get our taxes back from the tax man today, and my name is incorrect.  Hmph.  Was my gut instinct correct?  Should I have listened to my gut saying "don't do it, don't do it"?  Hmmm.  If this blog was food for thought, it'd be a buffet  :-)


  1. I think for you the taxes are more than just taxes. It is one of your identity factors just like CLP. You were taught at a young age how to do them. It is that one task that is yours to do and in all honesty you like doing them. I can imagine sending the taxes off was just a part of the anxiety. Joining the two incomes is another and I think the tax guy spelling your name wrong is just the cherry on top.

    The thing I fear is not having a job. Before my wedding it was great to take off three weeks but in all honestly I could not stop worrying about how I was going to contribute to bringing home the bread. Since I have bringing home the bread since I was 13 and I never went more than a week without other employment it was very hard for me to sit down and just relax. After a few weeks I felt better and my mind started to realize that I was to focus on this time in my life 'getting married'. But deep down even cleaning the house spotless, having all the laundry caught up every day and taking the dogs for walks did not fill my need to contribute financially to my relationship.

    A few things that helped me adapt was that Conor is that guy who is a provider and he enjoys bringing home the bread. Letting go of my independence enough for him to be able to provide for me 3 weeks before our wedding definitively helped me realize that I have a good thing and to never take advantage of it.

  2. Fear is a weird thing. We all have fears and, most of the time, they are fairly irrational.

    I understand you wanting to keep part of your life your own. You have always been very private about lots of parts of your life and extremely independent. That isn't a bad thing. Starting to open up and share those private parts can feel threatening and like you're losing a part of yourself. The irony of your name being misspelled is not lost on me. I'm still irritated that in Arkansas a woman's driver's license costs more than a man and that I had to bring in a boatload of documentation to get my license. None of the 4 previous states I've lived in required that.

    In the big scheme of things, was your name being incorrect a big thing? No, but sometimes it's the little things that are the most aggravating, irritating and bugaboos. Sharing doing your taxes was probably you having to give up some of your hard-won and hard-earned independence. It's no fun and can make you feel emotionally naked.

    Be patient with yourself. It's okay to have fears. Being able to acknowledge them is very important. We are all a project of our past--both good and bad. Sometimes the adult psyche of us doesn't do a very good job of calming down the younger psyche in all of us. And that's okay. We are a blend of everything we are and have been. You're being human!