Just Call me Florence Nightenhoof

Florence Nightenhoof?  Why? Because it happened at night and it involved a cow.....

So yesterday J is at work, so that means I'm on cow patrol to make sure none of our little honey's have problems having their calves, and if they do, to call somebody--we all know I'm not pulling a calf out.  So yesterday afternoon most of the herd is sun-bathing enjoying a quiet afternoon...except this one cow off by herself bellering and making all kinds of racket and looking a little crazy.  So I figure she's going to lay down and plop one out, so I sit and wait to make sure.  Well the calf wasn't ready, so I figured I'd go up to the house and check on her later.  So I wait a couple of hours, look outside and she's in the front pen by herself making even more racket...oh brother.  So once again I don the pink coveralls and head out there to see how she is.  This time I see a little funky residue hanging out her tail-end and know its about time.  So I pull up a log stump and play some words with friends and wait to see what happens.  Well still no dice--she just keeps walking around making noise...this lady does not like labor one bit.  So J comes home and we go out there, and I'm like she's been acting crazy like that for a while...uh-oh he says, calls his Dad up....Houston, there's a problemo.  So we try to wrangle this cow into the barn so we (I really mean J and his Dad can get a closer look--I really don't need to get close to cow-girl parts) can see what's going on.  But this fine animal has been in labor for a while and is no mood for games...the term crazy *itch came to mind.  J is on the four-wheeler and I'm running her in, I must say I totally feel for firefighters...I was running up and down the pasture boots heavy with mud, heavy coveralls, ground that was muddy and uneven, I was out of breath.  So we finally get her in the one barn, and she is not happy, as in this crazy cow is going to jump the fence.  So Dad shows up and we finagle her into the shoot, and Dad gets his long glove on....its like a full arm condom, and sticks it up the hoohoo.  Ugh.  There's something wrong with the calf, so we call a vet and the vet comes out.  He also dons an arm condom and feels around for a good 5 minutes (did I mention the cow was crazy....well she really didn't like this whole business).  The verdict, the calf is stillborn and needs to come out--C-section style.  Now I've seen c-sections on TV and in biology class...but not on a cow or in a barn.  This should be good.  J and his Dad have never seen one either---double fun.  So we get her into a pen in the barn and tie her up.  Cow c-sections are done standing up and on the left side.  So I'm standing there holding the surgical instruments, flashlight in hand, J and his Dad are trying to keep the crazy cow penned up.  And the vet goes to work.  I must admit its pretty slick, and similar to a human one.  Shave, cut, cut, cut, vet goes in, hooks the chains to the calf and starts pulling and out it comes.  Well then the uterus and lining and all has to be sewn back up.  So J is holding the uterus and the vet pulls out his stitchery and stitches that thing up oh so nice.  Personally I'm a needle worker and was quite impressed with his stitches and stitchery.  Now the cow was sedated by this time, but was still irritated.  But sure enough vet finished and she was back on her feet and was eating hay before we left.  Did I mention it was like 11:30 at night when we got back in?  Talk about a long night...but wow was it memorable!